Before professionals there were parents.

Hello friends.

After a little break, I’m back with another post. So far in this series, I’ve been thinking about young people largely through the lens of the teen mental health crisis. I want to shift the focus now to another important theme: family.

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It is good to remember that professional youth workers (and teachers, social workers or counsellors) have not always existed.

Before there was society with its governments and institutions, there was family. It was in this safe and nurturing environment that children did most of their learning and growing, before launching out into the world. Yes, “the village” would come to have an important role to play in the raising of children, but family came first. And if families had stayed healthy and together, there may never have been a need for paid workers to help young people in their development.

But we live in the real world where families are strained, often separated, and far too many children have lost the stability and support that a healthy family provides. Youth workers and teachers are needed and they do make a huge difference in young people’s lives – but that does not mean that parents can be easily replaced by professionals.

Nor should they.

As we work for the good of young people, we need to involve parents as much as we can. For when parents are involved, children thrive, and when parents are absent, children suffer. For example:

• Their mental health often suffers (e.g. this 2021 study: “Children and adolescents who live with both biological parents tend to have a more stable level of wellbeing, whereas those in single parent families have a lower level of well-being during both childhood and adulthood”)

• Their ability to form healthy relationships often suffers (e.g. this 2015 study: “Youth with fathers always absent reported a younger age at first sex than all other youth, and youth whose fathers left after birth reported younger ages at first sex than those with fathers always present.”)

• Their behaviour often suffers (e.g. this 2016 study from the USA: “Associations between having a nonresident father and increased internalizing and externalizing behaviors in adolescence have been well established”)

• Their engagement in learning often suffers (e.g. this 2008 study: “Children who grow up apart from their biological fathers score lower on standardized tests, report poorer grades, and view themselves as having less academic potential than children who grow up with both biological parents.”)

The best thing for any child is that their biological parents are involved in their care and development.

While I appreciate the reality that not everyone has their own dad and mum present at home, I believe we need to affirm this ideal. Parents continue to be the most formative influence in young people’s lives. Their involvement matters far more than our own.

Looking back to some of my own work alongside young men, I wonder if I could have made a bigger difference in each boy’s life by spending more time working to involve the parents.

The easy path is to focus entirely on supporting a young person, to be the supportive adult they don’t have at home – and to ignore the messy dynamics of family life. But long-term, we do young people no favours when we ignore the crucial role of their own parents.

Let’s get practical.

How can we work for the good of young people while encouraging the involvement of mums and dads?

Here is a starting place:

1. Attitude: Remember who brought the child into the world. Recognise the hard work and cost that comes with child-birth and child-rearing. Despite their many failures, let’s appreciate that the vast majority of parents provide care and protection to their kids every day.

Sometimes a teenage girl can see only what her mum does wrong. But when a youth worker or teacher models respect for parents, this can be key in the girl changing her perspective of her mum and perhaps starting a difficult but transformative conversation at home.

2. Boundaries: Seek consent. Don’t work behind a mum or dad’s back. Put yourself in their shoes. If a parent could be having an important conversation with their child, encourage that to happen. Get into the habit of asking: “Have you talked to your mum/dad about this?” Except for a child’s safeguarding, don’t take over anything that a parent wants to or could do themselves.

3. Communication: Reach out to parents. Introduce yourself. Open the door for ongoing dialogue: “I’m always here if you ever want to chat about your son.” And then stay in touch as often as you can. Perhaps, more than anything, encourage mums and dads in their role. To hear another adult speaking highly of her son can breathe life into a struggling mum, who has heard nothing but bad reports for years.

What else could we do? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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Next week, I want to focus on the role of fathers in particular.

Fatherhood is a hugely under-appreciated and often undermined role in Western society. But as those seeking to work with young people more intentionally, we need to reject this outlook. As we shall see, boys and girls still need their dad. And everyone is the poorer when he’s not involved. But more of that in my next post.

Thanks for reading.

Stephen

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