The modern teen's fragile identity

Identity has always been a concern for people. Questions like ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Do I matter?’ and ‘What do they think of me?’ are surely timeless. The way we moderns consider our identity, however, is very different from previous generations.

It used to be that people looked outside themselves to find their sense of self. Some, to their civic duties. 'I am a good citizen of Athens,' said the ancient Greek. Others, to their religious activities, like attending church and celebrating feast days. 'I am a devout Catholic,' said the pilgrim. In recent centuries, many have looked chiefly to their economic endeavours and said, 'I am a successful businessman.'

The modern man, in contrast, looks inward.

I’ve been reading through Carl Trueman’s The rise and triumph of the modern self. He covers much of this, drawing insights from the likes of sociologist Philip Rieff and philosopher Charles Taylor.

For example, Trueman writes this:

Rieff makes a point very similar to that of Charles Taylor in his understanding of the human self: that psychological categories and an inward focus are the hallmarks of being a modern person. This is what Taylor refers to as expressive individualism, that each of us finds our meaning by giving expression to our own feelings and desires. For Taylor, this kind of self exists in what he describes as a culture of authenticity.

The modern man wants above all else to be his authentic self. To do this he looks inward to find and express his feelings and desires. His assertion is: ‘I am who I feel I am. I will be who I want to be.’

This is the contemporary way of thinking and it’s what young people have heard all their life. They have been taught to focus inward as they make sense of themselves and they have been empowered to step out into the world as ‘authentic’ individuals.

While the old of approach to finding one's identity was at times suffocating (think of unrealistic family expectations), the new way simply doesn’t work.

In a 2015 talk entitled Identity that can Handle Either Success or Failure, theologian Tim Keller gave three big reasons why:

1. It’s incoherent – because our desires contradict

If you look into your heart of hearts and you find your dreams and you find your deepest desires, you’ll find they contradict. “I'd love to have this wonderful career, but I would also love to have this wonderful relationship; if I have this relationship, if I give myself to this person, I won’t have this career.”

2. It’s unstable – because our feelings change

The whole idea of an identity is you want a core, you know, when I’m a father or a husband, I’m a minister, when I’m a friend, I need a core that makes me the same, to have integrity. I don’t want to be completely different in every group of people, there’s got to be something that is most fundamental to me. And if it’s my feelings, my feelings are going to change.

3. It’s an illusion – because we actually still want validation

Whenever I see people on social media say, “My parents said this, my church said this ... but this isn’t who I am; this is who I am, and I determine who I should be.” You’re not actually saying I’m going to bestow blessing and validation on myself, you know what you’re saying? You’re going and getting another group of cheerleaders, a different group.

My take:

In terms of finding one’s identity, the modern teen has an overwhelming and potentially crushing task ahead of them.

In the name of freedom, modern culture asks young people to follow their heart, to be authentic, to chase their dreams. This all sounds inspiring, but the result is that young people have no stable foundation for their sense of significance and acceptance. It's entirely on them to look within, figure out what they want, then go out and achieve it. That's a kind of pressure that 13-year-olds of the past did not have to bear.

While the internal pressure is real, I agree with Tim Keller that ultimately we still do look outward for validation – if not here, we end up finding a group of cheerleaders somewhere. And if we don't feel noticed or affirmed, our sense of self suffers.

I like this illustration from Carl Trueman:

To wander through a town and to be ignored by everyone I encounter would understandably lead me to question whether they considered me to be a nonperson or at least a person unworthy of acknowledgment. If I am treated by everyone I encounter as if I am worthless, I will probably end up feeling that I am worthless.

A teenager's every interaction thus plays an influential role in how he comes to understand himself. Perhaps this explains the self-conscious insecurity that is so common to adolescence: 'What do they think of me? Do they like me? Why did they look at me like that? I must be weird. She laughed at my joke, I must be funny. He didn’t notice me today, I must not be beautiful after all.'

Tragically, if teens have not first felt the attention and approval of their parents at home, they will be doubly desperate for recognition as they 'wander through the town'. And the consequences are grim. An ignored son will often take physical risks for attention. A neglected daughter will often take sexual risks for affirmation.

Searching for a stable sense of self

While the inner focus doesn't work, the outward focus is also an unreliable source of identity. All it takes is a moral scandal and the devout Catholic has lost his identity as 'devout'. All it takes is a couple of blunders and the businessman has lost his sense of being 'successful'.

As a Christian, I believe we ultimately need to look upward to God when it comes to questions of identity. The Christian view is that we do not need to achieve anything in order to find a secure sense of significance and acceptance. We receive both by the grace of God.

I'll let Tim Keller have the final word:

Whether you are religious or traditional or even a modern agnostic or secular person, your identity works like this: because I perform, because I obey, because I followed the rules, because I’ve achieved, then I could feel good about myself. I obey, therefore I’m accepted. But the Christian gospel is the only system in the world of thought that gives you a radically and totally different identity than what the secular world would give you, what any other religion would give you, what traditional cultures would give you. Because Christianity says your identity is received not achieved.

Until next time.

Stephen

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