- Rethinking Youth with Stephen Mullan
- Posts
- When dad is absent
When dad is absent
On why fathers are needed and how to end father absence.
Stephen Mullan
April 24, 2023
The following is a true story, except for the name.
Jack was four when his parents divorced. His mum kept custody of the children. His dad moved out. As he moved through childhood, Jack would visit his dad, but the relationship was soon became dysfunctional and even abusive. By the age of ten, the relationship ended. All ties were cut. Dad was out of Jack’s life for good.
He hasn’t seen or heard from his father since.
Like thousands of other boys, Jack entered adolescence without his biological dad. He had to find his way through the crucial transition period from childhood to adulthood with no father to help him.
One day when I was speaking to Jack about all of this, I asked him what hurt the most during his teenage years.
This was his response:
‘It killed me to watch the other boys’ dads pick them up after school.’
That simple absence of a father at the school gates – waiting to pick up his son, happy to see him, ready to take him home – broke Jack’s heart. His dad had abandoned him.
The sad reality is that Jack’s experience is shared by thousands of boys today.
Homes without dad
According to the 2021 ONS statistics on family types, about 20 percent of all families with dependent children are headed by a lone mother. That means that in 1,663,000 families with dependent children there is an absent father from daily family life.
In the USA, the statistics for lone mother families is even higher, and has been a big problem for many decades. About 30 percent of America’s families with children under 18 years old are single-parent families. That’s 10 million households. More than 80 percent of children in these families live with the mother only.
Is the idea of fatherhood fading?
Back in 1995, David Blankenhorn wrote Fatherless America, in which he pointed the spotlight on the growing culture of fatherlessness. His insight was that ‘in addition to losing fathers, we are losing something larger: our idea of fatherhood’.
The tragedy is that American society – and Western society in general – has embraced a culture of fatherlessness. The “fatherhood script”, to use Blankenhorn’s language, has become that fathers are unnecessary.
This message has been championed for decades by academics, storytellers and journalists. For example, a 2001 study which focused on jokes involving the father, found that ‘compared with older sitcoms, dads in more recent sitcoms were the butt of the joke more frequently.’
But the truth is that fathers are needed. They have a tremendous influence on the wellbeing of their kids.
Children with warm and involved fathers …
This should not be a surprise: children are served best when both mum and dad are involved. After all, it has been the ideal recognised throughout history.
Blankenhorn writes:
‘Across history and cultures, the foundational tasks of fatherhood have been twofold: protection and provision. The first is about violence. The second is about money. For the child, fatherlessness means more of the former and less of the latter’
Of course, a father’s role extends beyond these two tasks.
In my next post, I want to dig into the vital role of a father in relation to a child’s education and preparation for adult life. But for now, let’s get practical.
How to end father absence?
The reality is that we can’t fix father absence overnight. However, we can start telling our boys and young men a better story about their future role as a fathers. We certainly need to reject the narrative that dads are superfluous to requirement.
Young men need to hear a positive vision of fatherhood. They need to hear the message loud and clear: ‘You are desperately needed. Your absence is felt.'
The best place to start is with the boys right in front of us – especially those whose dad is now absent in their own life.
And perhaps through our influence there may be one less child whose heart is broken at the school gates.
Thanks for reading.
Stephen
—
Know someone who might get value from these posts? Send them here ⤵️